Cat on a Hot, Shingled Roof

I'm sure you're perplexed by this title so let me begin with some photos.

Surprise! I'm on the roof!

Why are you taking pictures of me on the roof?

This is your final warning...stop taking pictures!!

We came home to this site across the street the other day and I found it quite amusing. I know country cats sometimes get on the roof but I have never seen city cats do it. It's 12 bazillion degrees outside so how this long haired beast didn't melt to the roof, I'll never know. Anyway, just thought it was funny and would be a catchy way to kick things off.

Where to start...saying things have been crazy lately is an understatement. Work was super busy all last week. Plus I went to the dreaded fertility doctor. I assumed this would be a short meeting with her since I had only begun the Metformin for my insulin resistance the week before. I also assumed that the report would be pretty much the same as it had been. WRONG! That would have been too easy. Last time, she felt that if I continued my weight loss and began the Metformin, then we would have no trouble conceiving naturally when the time was right. The first sign of trouble at this appointment was when I looked at the sheet she had in front of her that had listed "PCOS?" and "DOR (FSH-10.6)." PCOS is polycystic ovarian syndrome is where your have a ton of cysts on your ovaries that prevent ovulation. One of the symptoms of it is insulin resistance. DOR is diminished ovarian reserve which means you don't have a ton of eggs left. This was the first time I had seen either of these in relation to me. I had asked her at a previous appointment about the FSH # being above 10 and what that meant. She wasn't concerned at that time about it.

When I saw these on my sheet, my stomach did an unsatisfactory flip flop. I immediately asked her if I had PCOS or DOR. She said she was unsure about the PCOS because they had been unable to "visualize" my ovaries well enough during my ultrasound. I asked was this because I was fat and she responded not necessarily. It was more because of the endometriosis. She said without the ultrasound to confirm she couldn't say 100% that I have PCOS but I have many of the symptoms so she was leaning that way. My thoughts, What the French, Toast (WTFT)? I hate being sidelined by something that comes out of nowhere. As for the DOR, she said she couldn't confirm that either because the high FSH could have been caused by the endometriosis or not. WTFT?! I asked if she felt I would be able to conceive without medications as previously stated at my last appointment. Her comment was we would have to wait until I lost more weight (60 lbs to be exact) and see how the Metformin was working. Let me throw this note in now that she has not wanted to us try at all during the time I've been seeing her since January because I'm too overweight. Her way to try to scare me into losing weight: we could continue to try to get pregnant and probably have a preterm baby at 26-28 weeks because I would get preeclampsia and gestational diabetes or I could wait until I lose the weight and have a healthy baby. Ummmm, gee. I don't which I would choose. Obviously, she has never met the over 50% of the women in Memphis who have delivered babies because last time I checked, most were not skinny. That's when I called my regular OB/Gyn in tears over what she had said. We have not listened to the RE's request to stop trying for several reasons:

1. My regular OB/Gyn said that although there are some risks with being overweight and pregnant, we would be watching the situation closely for things like that. She also said she had many overweight women in her practice that have delivered perfectly healthy babies and she had never heard the statistic the RE was giving out about delivering at 26-28 weeks.
2. We're not getting any younger. I just turned 32 and he's 34. If this is so hard now, how will be in 2 or 3 years after losing thousands of pounds.
3. What about the DOR? That means that time is running out so why would I waste any not trying?

After starting with the RE in January, here's what we know:

1. My FSH is above normal
2. I have insulin resistance
   
3. I need to lose weight(duh-I didn't need her to tell me this)
   
4. My tubes are clear
5. My hubbies swimmers are a-okay.

Now for what we don't know:

1. Do I have PCOS?
2. Do I have DOR?
3. Will the endometriosis effect my chance of getting pregnant?
4. Will I need fertility drugs?
5. Do I really ever have a chance of getting pregnant?

In essence, I only know a couple more things than when I started this process in January. Here we are 6 months later and I still don't know what direction to go. Some of you may ask, why not switch RE's? There's a pesky thing called insurance that's not approved for any other practice in Memphis. I could try to get in with one of the other 2 doctors in the practice I'm going to now but their wait times are astronomical. My other option would be to drive to Vanderbilt and I don't think that's really an option. With all of the testing and dr's appointments that fertility treatment includes, driving 3 hours and missing more work than is ever allowed is not the answer.

So now I feel like a cat stuck on a hot shingled roof. I don't know which way to turn. Everyone says, " Just relax." It will happen when it's supposed to. But what if that's not the case? What if I'm supposed to be leaving no stone unturned in researching what is the best way to build our family? I pray daily that God will send me the answer and let this cat get unstuck soon before she becomes crazy like a fox.

Toastingly Yours,

Thankful to be a Daddy's Girl

Daddy & I on my wedding day

On this Father's Day, I have to say what a blessing it is to have wonderful dad. There was a time when I didn't know if I would still have one. Back on October 31, 1996, I was a freshman at the University of Memphis. I was sitting in my dorm room when the phone rang. It was my mother and I could tell immediately that something was wrong. She began to tell me that she had just talked to my stepmom and my dad was in the hospital. I didn't freak out but just assumed it was not a big deal. I knew that my dad hadn't been feeling well for a couple of weeks, specifically a mind boggling headache. I had even visited him the weekend before and could tell he wasn't himself. He had already been to the ER twice but they were treating him for a migraine, which didn't work at all. His head still hurt no matter what medicines he had taken and was now becoming sensitive to light. When I went back home that night, I stopped at my mom's and told her I just felt like something was really wrong. So I pulled out her medical dictionary and called my dad. It had a nifty symptom finder, complete with the yes and no boxes and arrows pointing to the next question. After going through his symptoms with him, it came down to two possibilities: meningitis or a brain aneurysm. I told him that it must be meningitis because an aneurysm wasn't possible....if only. I encouraged him to go back to the doctor and tell them that this might be meningitis.

Now comes the part of the story when I realized it was a very big deal. He did, indeed, go back to the doctor and told them the meningitis theory. They sent him to a hospital other than the one he had gone to twice already. After the meningitis test came back negative, they did an angiogram to check for an aneurysm. My mom called to tell me that he had an aneurysm and would be having brain surgery the next morning. At that moment, my heart stopped. She said that I should go down there immediately.

That's exactly what I did. I got in the car and made the 2 hour drive to my dad's hospital bed. My stepmom had made the decision to not tell my dad the results of the angiogram until I got there. Watching his face as she told him and as he realized what was before him, almost broke my heart in two. My dad was invincible in my eyes and this stupid aneurysm was challenging that. I took a brief moment I had with him alone that night and told him that any disagreements we may have had over the years didn't matter at all. He was my daddy and I loved him more than anything. He reciprocated and we all settled in for a restless night of sleep. At 5am, the next morning, my stepmom and I watched as my dad was wheeled away into that terrible surgery. We had no idea that that moment would be the last "normal" one for the next six months.

The surgery took hours. I don't even remember how long it took but I know it was late that evening before we would be allowed to see him. He had survived the surgery but had a seizure as soon as he was taken to ICU. Once he was stabilized, we were allowed to go in. Words can't even describe seeing someone you love with bandages wrapped around their head and tubes coming from everywhere. It was a couple days before he regained consciousness. After he did, a whole new father was before me. He had lost his ability to speak. He thought he was talking but the words were mumbo jumbo. This frustrated him and caused him to become violent. He was moved to their rehab floor after a couple of weeks in ICU but they weren't equipped to handle him. Most people with brain aneurysms don't survive, so dealing with one who had and reteaching them everything was a challenge they had never faced before. By Thanksgiving 1996, it was apparent that a more extensive rehabilitation facility was the answer. Our Thankgiving prayers were answered when my stepmom found a place in Arkansas called Timber Ridge. They were experienced in helping those with non-terminal brain injuries. There my dad was able to learn to talk again and they helped him work on his short term memory and other issues. He stayed there until April of 1997.

Once he returned home, it was a unique experience. The father that returned home was not one I knew. My father was set in his ways and had been known to occasionally have a bad temper but this man was very quiet and soft-spoken. The man, who I marveled at his mathematical skills, struggled with arithmetic that would have been nothing in the past. He also lost any memory of the two years around the aneurysm and that included my high school graduation. This was particularly devastating to me because my father had always taken pride in my success in school and for him to not remember such a significant moment in my education was heartbreaking. It's now necessary to remind him of trivial things like taking a shower or his medicine.

I find the human brain such a unique organ. My dad often can't remember what he had for dinner but he can remember family stories from his childhood. Although I lost my father as I knew him that day in November 1996, I gained something much more valuable. I now appreciate the father that I have and know that no matter what he's been through, I'm still "daddy's girl." This was the beginning many trials and tribulations I've encountered in life so far. I can honestly say that I'm glad we all made it through and what I learned from it. It was the start of my becoming an adult. I now knew that those you love can be gone in an instant. While I wish this had never happened, I'm grateful to have had this experience and what it taught me. I know I don't see him as often as I should but I feel like I'm closer than ever to my dad. I hope all of you have that same luck. Love your dad today and let me know how important he is in your life.

Toastingly Yours,

Going to the Pokey....and I Don't Mean Jail

Ever since we began the quest to bring our spawn into the world, I have become interested in a more natural approach to fertility. After a friend of ours told me about going to acupuncture to help her get pregnant, I became even more fascinated with Traditional Chinese Medicine. As I've mentioned before, I am deathly afraid of needles so the idea of me going to acupuncture took a lot of deep breathing and telling myself as long as it helps us get a baby, then the pain is worth it. So off I went to my acupuncturist, Chuck. Pretty quickly, I began calling it the "pokey" or the "pokey doctor." I'm all about nicknames. I was super tense the first time but overall the pain was not bad at all. It was nothing like the trauma I deal with anytime I have blood drawn because finding my veins is like finding a million dollar treasure in your backyard, not happening. Chuck went through my entire medical history including how my monthly cycles are, which was pretty weird to go into detail with a guy about, but he is super cool so it was all good. After finishing my history, checking my pulse and looking at my tongue, he diagnosed me with liver stagnation and blood stasis. Next came the needles. Like I said, they weren't bad at all. I have on occasion yelled out something like,"Holy Mother" when it hurts. Chuck told me that after about 1o minutes the endorphins would release and help me relax. I was like, "Uh..yeah, right." But it happened. It was amazing how relaxed I was after the first treatment. I became a believer after that and started weekly visits.

As part of my treatment, I also had to start taking my basal body temperature (BBT) daily which is a great way to track your cycles. No matter how great it is, it sucks. I hate having to remember to take my temp as soon as the clock goes off. From this, we learned that my BBT is super low. If the uterus isn'a warm, hospitable environment, then an egg will likely not implant. So began my herb regimen to warm up my insides. Low and behold, it's working. Now I'm going to the "pokey" every 2 weeks to get a treatment and pick up some herbs. I took a few crappy photos with my phone for you to see. I'll try to remember to bring the good camera next time. It also looks like I have a "cankle." That's completely untrue. I guess it was the angle of the picture. I had needles in my belly, too, but decided to spare you from the picture.


In other medical news, I got my liver function test results and I passed!! Yippee! I was able to start Metformin yesterday for the insulin resistance. I also got my sleep study results and I do have sleep apnea. BOO! I have to go back for another study tonight to see about getting fitted with a mask. I guess since Dave has a mask too, our baby could end up being a Darth Vader baby. I won't bore you with any more alien pictures though. One time was traumatic enough.

Although I'm not pregnant yet, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. The acupuncture has relaxed me so much and helped me deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant. The herbs are doing their job to warm me up and hopefully, the Metformin will take care of the insulin resistance. I've never been the type to consider using "alternative" medicine until now. I hate I wasted all that time not even considering it. It feels like the right decision to not jump straight into all the fertility drugs like Clomid, or any other more invasive procedures. I want us to create this child naturally, the way God intended it to be.

Toastingly Yours,

Birthday Wishes & Caviar Dreams

So, I stole the title from the now defunked, "Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous." Please don't tell Robin Leech.

Well, I made it through another birthday. The ripe old age of 32. Some days it's amazing how old I feel. Others I feel like I'm still in my 20's. Overall, it was a good birthday. I ended up with 3 cakes, a fat girl's dream! I was able to be lazy most of the weekend and have a big dinner out at one of my favorites, Olive Garden, with the entire family. That's right....both sets of my parents and my in-laws. And we all walked away unscathed. Amazing! I sometimes find it interesting that it only took my parents 15 years after their divorce to be able to socialize at an event that had to do with yours truly. I guess the first time I witnessed this was my high school graduation, then my first wedding (where we all should have run away screaming), my second wedding and birthdays for the past 3 years. I'm thankful that they can accomplish this because I do want all the grandparents to be an important part of our childrens' lives.

Anyway, I was pretty busy the whole weekend. First, one of my "besties", as all the kids say, came to town. That would be Kelly, her husband, David and their girls, Caroline and Kathryn.
I hung with them on Saturday and they even brought me a bday cake #1 from Publix in Nashville. Publix makes some kickin' cakes but there's not one around here.

I also did some stitching for an upcoming birthday of one of Caroline's friends.
I don't have a pic of cake #2 but it was chocolate cake with chocolate fudge icing from Kroger. It was good but the big kahuna was the Ben & Jerry's ice cream cake my husband got me. It had Coconut Seven Layer Bar and New York Super Fudge Chunk or something like that. Then it had a layer of brownie on the bottom and in between the ice creams was a layer of crumbled cookies. The whole thing was covered in icing and had brownies on the sides and top. OMG!!..and I hate that saying. It was so amazing! I almost made myself sick eating it but it was so worth it.
Often times I reflect back on things I haven't accomplished when my birthday rolls around. But this year, I realized, it's not about what I haven't done, it's about what I have. I am a happily married, college graduate who has a job that I enjoy and will hopefully grow our family over the next year, if God is willing. So a baby is my birthday wish. As far as caviar dreams, I can't really say that I have any. I'm probably more of a French Onion Dip dreams kind of girl. While I would love to have more money, I've learned in my old age that money is not what makes a life awesome. I am lucky and have achieved more than so many others ever have the opportunity to even try. While I will always persevere and challenge myself to become a better person, wife, daughter and friend, I now know everything I do is in God's hands and I am happy to rest there.

Toastingly Yours,

The Alien Has Landed

Well, it's just me but I sure look like an alien. Last night I had the pleasure of doing a sleep study. My spouse has been saying for over a year that I snore. I thought he was lying because I give him hell about snoring. I found out on a recent trip to Atlanta with my friend, Hollie, that I do, indeed, saw more logs at one time than loggers cutting down the rain forests in Central America. She decided it would be amusing to record my snoring. I'm not easily embarrassed and this recording made me want to crawl under a rock. Over the past year, my ability to sleep and actually feel rested has gone down the tubes. And after my trip to Atlanta, I've started waking myself up snoring. So in an effort to save my sanity and marriage, I conceded to do a sleep study. Here you'll see my accommodations.


When I arrived around 9:30pm, my sleep tech, Tiffany, started hooking me up with all the crap you saw in my alien shot. What you didn't see were the two sets of nose tubes that were put in and the electrodes on my legs. Not comfortable at all. So after a bit of reading, I settled in around 11:30 for some zzzz's. Falling asleep is not something that comes easy to me. It has been taking me a couple of hours to head to sleepytown and that was the case last night. After turning the lights back on and reading another magazine, I was finally able to go to sleep around 1am or so. Tiffany's voice came through the intercom around 6am telling me I was done. Unfortunately, she was unable to tell me if I quit breathing which indicates sleep apnea. She did tell me that I snored but was definitely not the loudest she's ever heard. That's good to know. I didn't ask if I cut the cheese during my sleep. Some things are better not knowing. At this point, I expect to have my results mailed to me within a week. I'm sure you will all be on the edge of your seats waiting to hear. Don't worry! You'll know when I know. My hope is that I do have sleep apnea, that I won't require a CPAP machine to fix the problem. Until next time....

Toastingly Yours,

Getting Knocked Up is Not as Easy as It Sounds

Warning beforehand...may be too graphic for some. Who knew that after all my years of trying to prevent pregnancy that when I actually wanted to get knocked up, it wouldn't be so simple? First issue came up in 2003 when I was diagnosed with endometriosis. For those that don't know, endometriosis is when uterine tissue grows outside the uterus. In my case, which is considered mild, the tissue wrapped my left ovary around my bowels and was present in other areas in my pelvic cavity. During my laparoscopy for diagnosis, they removed as much of the tissue that was in my lady areas as possible. Most people don't understand how much endometriosis hurts. Even in mild cases the pain can be excruciating. Luckily, after surgery, my monthly cramps were minimalized to almost nothing in comparison to what I had suffered in my teenage years.

For anyone that doesn't understand the complicated steps that are necessary to become pregnant, here's a brief synopsis. Most females have a normal menstrual cycle of 28-35 days. An egg is released from your ovary during ovulation around Day 14-18. FYI...CD1 (CD is cycle day) is the first day of your period. The egg is then picked up by hairlike fingers at the end of your fallopian tubes.When you ovulate there's around a 12-24 hour window for it to get fertilized before you lose your chance for that month. Fertilization usually takes place in the fallopian tube. If you do luck out and your egg is fertilized, then it travels into the uterus where it implants in the uterine wall. There it grows for 9 months to become your child. If you didn't luck out, then the unfertilized egg and the uterine lining that was thickening for your possible fertilized egg will all come out once your period starts. Then the cycle begins again. Hope you enjoyed Sex Ed 101.

Now back to fertility. I have learned a lot since we began trying to conceive (TTC) in July 2009. Get used to the crazy acronyms. That's how people talk about making a baby on all of the forums and blogs. First, age makes a huge difference. Apparently, your best option to get pregnant is in your teens and 20's, usually when you would be crazy to want to do so. Even during those years, you only have a 15-20% chance each month to get pregnant. Those odds suck! Now that I've crossed the age of 30, my chances are going downhill but the big downhill won't hit until 35.

After trying for 6 months with no luck and with my history of endometriosis, my OB/Gyn sent me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) to begin testing. First was the big hormone testing on CD3 along with testing for insulin resistance because I'm overweight. My FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) came in at 10.55. Of course, anything over 10 is supposedly not good. FSH is the hormone your body releases to signal your ovary to release an egg. The more FSH present means your body doesn't respond to normal amounts to release an egg. The most fun test I had was an HSG (hysterosalpingography - say that 10 times fast.) During the HSG, a tube is threaded up your who-ha through your cervix into the uterus. Then dye is pumped in while xrays are taking to make sure your tubes are unblocked. Good times! Thank the Lord that came out all clear. And I won the jackpot by having insulin resistance. But there was a snag with that too. My liver function had to be tested as well because the meds for insulin resistance can cause your liver to began to function less effectively. My LFT (liver function test) came back above normal. I must have some closet alcoholism that I'm unaware of that caused my LFT to come back too high. Just kidding. I'm not a drinker. Today I went back to retest my LFT and can expect the results in a few days. Hopefully, all will be well and I can start on meds for insulin resistance. The RE feels like that's all we need to help us get pregnant.

Now that I've spent months worrying about my FSH and my egg quality, how we would pay for IVF or if we would even try that, and could we even have a baby at all, it may all come down to this one medicine. Crazy to think that it can be that simple!

I guess the moral of this story is not to take your fertility for granted. I always thought that pushing off having a baby wouldn't be a problem. I may be lucky by taking care of my issue easily. So many other women don't have that luxury and for them, my heart breaks. As for me, my future child will definitely hear about the hell I've gone through to ensure their arrival one day. I am deathly afraid of needles and I can't even keep up with the number of times Dracula has sucked my blood during the past few months. My kid will hear all about it! I'm sure you will hear more of these graphic details on our road to conceiving our chubby baby.

Toastingly Yours,

What you can expect on "The Toast"....

I figured I should include a little background about myself and what you can expect to read here at "The Toast", as I've affectionately termed it.

The players...
Me (Shanda) age 31 7/8th's - (I turn 32 on the 13th of this month.)
Hubby (Dave) age 34
Our "Kids"
Dog - Emme (Brussels Griffon - almost 2: her bday is July 7th)
Cats - Baxter (grey/black tabby-age 12); Annabelle (orange/white - age 1)


These players represent the core of my life. Dave and I were college sweethearts, who after being apart for 10 years, got married last year on March 14th. Some people say our story could be a Lifetime movie but I don't think its that dramatic. We dated on two different occasions during college but the first go-round, I wanted to get marry and he didn't. Round 2, he wanted to get married and I didn't. I guess you can say our timing sucked. Fast forward 10 years, a bad first marriage for me and Dave, waiting for me to come to my senses. We kept in touch throughout the years and remained friends. Never in a million years did I think we would end up together. But about a year after my divorce, we started discussing the possibility of dating again. There was only one hitch...I lived about 2 hours from Memphis in the small town of Grenada, MS. After a few months of dating long distance, I began to look for a job in Memphis. I got one in June 2008 and headed home. The plan was for us to date through Christmas then re-evaluate to see if marrige was a possibility. I guess that when the heart knows...it knows. By September 2008, we had purchased a house together, where the love of my life proposed as we made our final walk-thru. Collective awwwwe.

Now came the wedding planning. Since Dave is teacher, it was decided we would get married during Thanksgiving break of 2009 because I did not want a summer wedding. You'll hear more about my hot flashes later. Somehow during the planning, the wedding got moved up to March. We decided we had already waited 10 years to be together so it was pointless to put it off until November. The wedding was incredible! It was everything I had always dreamed of. Here are a few pics.

So fast forward to now.... and us living a great life. Now that you have the background, you can prepare to see all of these players on "The Toast" often. Also expect to hear about fertility woes. We have been trying to have our first baby since July '09 with no luck. You'll get the 4-1-1 on all the details another day. You can expect to hear about work, too. I'm a non-profit fundraiser. As much as I love my job, it can be more than a little stressful at least 3 days a week. And as much as I love my husband, he is a husband and they can generally find something to annoy us about. There will definitely be crafty talk, too. I love crafting and have a small home business, SW Designs, which specializes in custom invitations and embroidered gifts. You will also get the scoop on the crazy people I encounter out and about in Memphis. Sometimes I feel like I have a target on my back because it seems like all the crazies around town LOVE to talk to me. You'll also meet some more extended family players as we progress. Hope you enjoy the ride!

Toastingly Yours,

Why French Toast?

As a woman from the South, there is always a stigma attached that you must be a lady. Obviously, I missed that because I have the mouth of a sailor. So in an effort to combat my potty mouth and after my husband heard it in a movie, we began saying, "What the french, toast?" around our house instead of our usual "What the f*!%?" After contemplating beginning a blog for a few months, it became quiet apparent to me that this was the appropriate title because I ask this question multiple times daily about a variety of situations. So I have to give my husband credit for the title and hopefully the genius it invokes from me.


Toastingly Yours,